Hating the French . . . racist, or merely human?!

Walking the streets of Tel Aviv these days, it is impossible to go very far without one’s hearing being assailed by a sickening nasal sound. And I am not referring to the delightful manner in which Israelis clear their sinuses (before projecting the dislodged contents onto the pavement without a thought for adjacent pedestrians).

No, I am talking French.

Like Germans entering France in May 1940, the French have arrived in Tel Aviv in their hordes. And they have only been a little more welcome, male and female Frenchman alike bearing tasteless testament to the deleterious consequences of gaudiness and too many hours spent under the sunbed (though North Africa is probably as much to blame as France for these roasted peacocks, jangling and clunking under the weight of excessive gold).

Israelis, hardly paragons of best manners, loathe the behaviour of the French – though perhaps they resent the competition – even scapegoating them for Tel Aviv’s increasingly unaffordable property prices (thankfully, the French have tended to settle the streets in the immediate vicinity of the Mediterranean, a safe-ish distance from Rothschild).

Whoever invented the French language must have had a single guiding principle: “How do I come up with a sound that will drive other nations to sheer distraction?” And my instantaneous, though subconscious, reaction every time that I hear it is for my cheek muscles to contort my mouth into a De Niro grimace, that psychotic inverted smile which “Bobby” pulls in the movies whenever he is about to “whack” someone.

When spoken by the male of the species especially, the language turns me into a Tourette’s case, giving me the irrepressible urge to utter “the ‘c’ word” (not that, as regular readers of melchett mike will attest, I normally need too much encouragement). And the Frenchman, like the c*** in your high school class, has absolutely no self-awareness of that quality.

Following the arrogant, pretentious excesses of Eric Cantona (who could only be French), Thierry Henry restored the dignity of the Frenchman in English football. But the dastardly Hand of Frog ‘goal’ (left) that broke Irish hearts 12 days ago – cheating them out of a place at next summer’s World Cup in South Africa – showed that Henry had us duped. And, instead of admitting his offence, and going down in history as both a great footballer and a gentleman, Henry will now be remembered as a cheat in the mould of that repellent Argentine degenerate, Maradona.

Breaks yer heart: Parisians watch German soldiers enter the capital (June 14, 1940)

To the Englishman, memories of white flags being raised over France in 1940 are as repugnant as thoughts of the Hand of God doing so in Mexico City in 1986. It took the French all of six weeks to surrender to the Germans – it is no coincidence that the central strip of the French tricolore is white – a noble feat which they then surpassed by establishing the collaborationist Vichy regime.

But are our neighbours across the Channel any more worthy of our contempt than, for example, the Belgians or the Dutch, who surrendered in two and a half weeks and four days, respectively? And, cowardice aside, what is it about the French that so gets under our skin?

Far from displaying a modicum of gratitude to the British for fighting for his nation’s freedom, De Gaulle subsequently made every effort to exclude the United Kingdom from the European Community (now Union). And his successors, too, have stabbed the British in the back at every given opportunity.

For some peculiar reason, known only to themselves, the French are persuaded that they are superior to everyone else. In art. In style. In food. And, most inaccurately of all, in bed. According to a global sex survey, the French only spend an average 19.2 minutes on foreplay, while we Brits spend 22.5 minutes (I have been known to spend even longer . . . especially when I have company).

In spite of its close proximity to London, I have visited Paris just once, and then only for a cousin’s engagement party (yes, he did). But it was enough to discover an absence of hospitality – shopkeepers feigning not to comprehend a single word of English as I groped for morsels of O-level French – that gives me no urge to return.

Since S, the French girl who paid me midnight visits at Jerusalem’s Ulpan Etzion (the aptly named “absorption centre” where we lived for five months following Aliyah), I have not even come close to dating a French woman. Moreover, my extensive Facebook and mobile phone lists contain a mere single French entry. And, having known Yael for ten years now, the thing that still strikes me every time that I meet her is how nice she is for a French woman. The exception to the rule.

A French cock

So, Thierry Henry – arguably, until a week and a half ago, the greatest living Frenchman – reverted to type, proving that it is no coincidence that the national emblem of France is the cock.

Call me a “racist”, but . . . when it comes to the French, xenophobia takes on a rationality that makes it, if not a virtue, then common sense.

Dedicated to Bridlington Gert and his noble crusade against racism in all its forms (oh yes . . . except that against Jews).

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40 responses to “Hating the French . . . racist, or merely human?!

  1. Hey! I’ve finally found one! A Brit without any sense of humour. Shame he still believes he does, the sorry bugger.

  2. Bonsoir, Monsieur Bart!

    Your IP address tells me that you are in (or around) Argelès-sur-mer, Languedoc-Roussillon (near Perpignon).

    Is that still in France, Monsieur Bart . . . or have you surrendered it?!

    Anyway, welcome – or should that be wilkommen? – to melchett mike.

  3. Daniel Greenspan

    Finally a fusion between your Hasmo blogging and your other blogging. Four sides for insolence, you wretch!

  4. I think you finally crossed the fine line between what is acceptable humour and what is xenophobia, you southern British b*stard! N’importe quoi!

  5. And I actually thought I had let the bastads off too lightly!

    Anyway, I don’t dislike the French because they are foreigners (the definition of a “xenophobe”) . . . but because they are French!

  6. Latest news . . .

    The GDP of France fell sharply in the past quarter due to arson attacks and subsequent closure of their white flag factories.

    In the immortal words of Groundskeeper Willie . . .

    “Cheese eating surrender monkeys”

  7. Michelle Berkley-Choukroun

    Mike, LUCKILY for you I am rather fond of you – due to good old days at the Parky, back in the 80’s – PLUS I have a cracking sense of Manc humour….because my froggie hubby is rather fab, and living in Paris is bloody fantastic mate!!

  8. “hand of frog” – love it.

  9. The feeling is “rather” mutual, our Michelle! But what are you going to tell me next . . . that you married a Moroccan?!

    Oh, The Parkfield (pub, Whitefield) . . . that is deserving of a melchett mike post all of its own! (Small world that it is, I remember JJ and I bringing Jeremy [comment above] on one occasion . . . I am sure you can’t have forgotten that, Jeremy?!)

  10. I haven’t forgotten that we went to the Parkfield. But I don’t remember anything about it.

    Must be old age and drugs. OK, I’m not that old.

  11. The Auschwitz survivor I grew up next door to used to say,

    “The French are the world’s traitors.”

  12. Actually, Jeremy, I don’t know what possessed me to write that The Parkfield is “deserving of a melchett mike post all of its own” . . .

    It was a horrible place, full of cliquey, uninterestingly provincial and becky North Manchester Jews . . . but which, ridiculously enough, had a landlord who all of them considered an antisemite (though perhaps he wasn’t before he got there!)

    Perhaps our Michelle could present the case for the defence . . .

  13. Michelle Berkley-Choukroun

    gee guys – will put this on hold till after shabbat, but will give it some serious thought.

  14. It’s partly OT, but a nice story anyway …
    When Moshe Dayan was Chief of Staff back in the fifties, someone told Ben-Gurion about a French politician’s wife who’d been caught having an affair with a senior French army officer.
    “what would tyou do if that happened here?” Ben-Gurion was asked.
    His reply: “I’d poke his other eye out!”.

  15. Dunkirk escape & propaganda

    “Breaks yer heart: Parisians watch German soldiers enter the capital (June 14, 1940)”

    this caption is false, the scene is actually set in southern france, toulon harbor, and these people are waving at the leaving french army not welcoming the arriving german army. as you can see

    for your information the invincible british army was involved in the battle of france in 1940 and was defeated. the invincible british army escaped at dunkirk, except for the slowest runners who surrendered to the nazis.

    also the invicible british army has the glorious record of being the first one to be defeated in afghanistan, and not only one time like the soviets but two times.

    with all due respect to a roastbeaf.

  16. So the U.S. National Archives are “false” are they, Le Crétin?

    Even if they are, your alternative account – of “the leaving french army” (in Britain, we call them “deserters”) – should hardly constitute a source of pride.

    Moreover, it is one thing for the British to be defeated defending their cowardly neighbours across the Channel, and quite another for the French to give up on their own country within weeks . . . and then to collaborate with the Nazis.

    Though, in your defence (again!), at least you have the decency not to quibble about the “French cock”.

  17. Daniel Marks

    Dunkirk escape & propaganda,

    The first part of your posting was very interesting, thanks.

    As far as the second part is concerned, I don’t believe that there was a patriotic Frenchman who was not grateful to the British Expeditionary Force, who did what they could hopelessly outnumbered and out-gunned.

    Had they not have made it back to Britain, it would have been almost impossible for Britain to have carried on the war against Hitler and they may have had to sue for peace. Where would that have left France?

    I have a British passport neither live there, nor am I particularly proud of it. However, the French nation were very grateful in 1945 with allied victory, and rightly so.

  18. Henri Berest

    My Father-In-Law went to his grave hating the French.
    (He went over just after D-Day and was seriously injured)
    I remember him clearly say that we’d gone over there twice in 40 years and given life for them – and that they hated us even more for it.
    Ungrateful poseurs.
    (and cheese eating surrender monkeys)

  19. Daniel Marks

    Nothing wrong with a nice bit of cheese.

  20. Henri Berest

    As long as it’s a nice bit of mature cheddar (must be crumbly), I agree.

  21. Daniel Marks

    Don’t forget the old piccalilli, and a nice fresh roll!

  22. Simon Berest

    Henri, something tells me that you have not liked the French before you got married

    I will go as far to say that you never liked the cheese eaters 🙂

  23. Ellis Feigenbaum

    blessed are the cheese eaters

  24. . . . though not the fudge packers, I think you’ll find.

  25. At this point, I must come clean and admit that I did myself once pack fudge. Throughout the summer of 1993, in Vancouver. I made this stuff . . . and packed it.

  26. Daniel Marks

    One can only assume that back in 93 the author of this excellent blog was given the choice of “packing fudge, or packing his bags” – never an enviable predicament.

    Yet again I refer readers to Ellis Feigenbaum on this matter.

  27. Alexander Tribunsky

    Man, you’re hillarious.

    “For some peculiar reason, known only to themselves, the French are persuaded that they are superior to everyone else.”
    — And that is just SO unlike you Brits 🙂

    “I have been known to spend even longer . . . especially when I have company.”
    — You mean, when you’re with someone and not masturbating? 🙂

    Apart from that, this is a fun blog and I enjoy your rants. Above all, I appreciate your outspoken contempt for PC. Keep up the offensive truth.

  28. Thank you, Alexander . . . and I am glad that I don’t have to spell things out for you! 😉

    Just out of interest, how did you come across the blog (by your email address, you appear to be in Russia)?

  29. Peter Jay Mandeville

    The smell of sweet, rotting garbage emanating from this post is noxious. What a load of bollocks! I’m from Wales and I say to you: fuck you! Another racist post.

  30. Henri Berest

    That’s totally unacceptable, you sheep-shagger!!!

  31. Alexander Tribunsky

    Mike,

    I came across your blog while web-searching for information on the Haredim. See, I’m a Russian interpreter/translator, and sometimes I stumble upon words and notions that I’m not too familiar with — the Haredim aren’t exactly big in Russia. Google led me to your site. That simple.

    I must say I’m quite impressed by your lack of awe for PC — it’s not just a rarity, but rather a lost relic anywhere in Europe.

    Oh yes, and thanks for the information on the Haredim. I’ve learned quite a few things 🙂

  32. Well Mike, I think you have reasonably evaluated the French, even if anything, your diatribe was rather understated.
    You talked about two different aspects though. The first being the Jewish French who are ‘invading’ us now to escape the rampant anti-Semitism in France. Those same descendants of the Jews who fled North Africa with the collapse of French colonialism there and didn’t make Aliya but rather made money in Marseilles and Paris. They are the bejeweled and bedecked species we see here now. Ill mannered, badly behaved and simply believe their new money has made them into ‘menschen’ and will buy them respectability.
    The other aspect is the French themselves. They have an historic hatred of Anglo-phones. They have never forgiven the British for Nelson, Wellington, Waterloo, Trafalgar, the North Americas. Neither have they forgiven Britain nor the U.S.A. for having saved their a*ses in the 2 world wars. Their dreams of a global Francophone world have crumbled as the world has become more and more Anglo-phone.
    Having had the dubious pleasure of living and working in Paris for 3 years, at the time of the ’73 Yom Kippur War, the hatred of ‘us’ was blatant, to the point of one of my French colleagues, whom I had considered a friend, in response to the oil crisis, which of course was ‘my fault’, calmly said to me “Seymour, if it’s a question of me being warm in winter or the existence of the State of Israel, I’ll be warm in winter”.
    I could go on and on about the French hatred of foreigners, especially Anglos, but the examples are endless. Good Lord they hate each other, just observe their driving. Israelis and Italians are ‘angels’ compared to them.

    If a reciprocal disliking/hating of the French is racism, so be it.

  33. Thank you, Seymour. I will leave it to the Gerts of this world to dislike other races, and then dress it up as something else. I, on the other hand, believe in writing what I actually think. And I think that the French, on the very large whole, are a bunch of c*nts.

  34. Mike,
    J’etais naivement en train de manger ma pastrama avec des crakers , et de boire du coca (pas light) dans mon lit, quand je me suis dis que j’aurai pu ecrire cet arrticle moi-meme.
    Si on met la provoc habituelle de l’auteur de cote, a laquelle il ne faut preter qu’une attention moderee, c’est une tres bonne definition de la France et des Francais.
    Voici une preuve:

    Ce n’est dailleurs pas par manque de respect pour les lecteurs que j’ecris en francais, c’est juste pur pouvoir exprimer exactement ce que je ressens.
    Etant restee francaise 38 ans, cela peut paraitre bizarre, qu’en pensez-vous Docteur Jeykill, je devrais consulter un psy, ou bien est-il deja trop tard?

    BTW, refresh your comment about your Facebook and phone lists!
    Sylvie

  35. A French bird called “Sylvie”! The same name as that sort from those Emmanuelle ‘films’!

    Could one of Cyril‘s former “star pupils” please translate! Or a “French-speaking” one!

    Vitement! Vitement!

  36. I could wait no longer . . .

    Mike,
    I was naively eating my pastrami with crackers, and drink coca (not light) in my bed when I told myself that I could write this article myself.
    If you put the author’s usual provocative aside, to which we must lend a moderate attention, it is a very good definition of France and the French.
    Here’s proof:

    It is moreover not a lack of respect for the readers that I write in french, it’s just pure power express what I feel.
    Being kept French 38 years, this may seem strange, what do you think Dr. Jeykill, I should see a shrink, or is it already too late?

    BTW, refresh your comment about your Facebook and phone lists!
    Sylvie

    Would Google Translate receive “extra work” for this?!

    “In my bed” . . . surely a sign!

    Anyway, Sylvie, you must tell us – even in French (I will use Google again) – what your compatriot, in the (and in all probability his!) Daily Motion, is saying about “les Juifs”. I suspect that it might not be all good . . .

  37. re the photo of the Germans entering Paris { allegedly } . . .

    I can only assume they are tears of joy. See the woman beside the man clapping? She’s happy, so maybe they are joyful tears, or the bloke has a different view to her.

    Remember, nearly half of France was on the German side.

  38. I am french and I just discoverd this blog via google while looking for informations about WW2.

    So I’m french,kind of parisian now, but I don’t hate anglophone people in fact I’m fancy about North-America and an US enthousiastic, I try to be as gentle as I can with my fellowmen and even more with foreigners when they visit Paris, I don’t eat cheese except on pasta, I’m not antijew or pro-Palestinian or “que sais-je”, like a huge majority of french people I felt ashamed about Henry’s hand and quite amused by the humiliation of the bleus in South Africa, I do like wine, I like my country and it’s culture, I don’t eat frogs or snails, I’m never outraged when I ear : “Cheese eating surrender monkeys” ; it is an expression that makes my laugh and I try to be prepared to anykind of situation by using patience and wisdom. And yet, I am french and I do not hate nor blame the author of this article as the freedom of speech is essentiel in this “humanité” but like we use to say in France : “Il y a des cons partout”. And I’m sorry about the french people you met that made you having this oppinion but turn around. They can be nice.

  39. Bonjour, Ken. Your comment shames me. The truth is that the above post was written largely tongue in cheek, or – as you say in France (at least Del Boy does) – “langue dans joue.”

    Moreover, I now have a second French entry in my mobile phone: the very lovely Sylvie (de Lyon . . . though, now, de Tel Avive). And she address me only as “my Rosbeef” . . . a title which I have even grown to like.

    Hope you will keep reading, and provide the odd view from across the English Channel.

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