Rosh Hashanah Caption Competition

Forget the Mossad: The tentacles of melchett mike spread far and wide. And its operatives don’t get caught by CCTV cameras in bad-fitting tennis gear and piss-poor stick-on moustaches.

On Friday afternoon, as I was preparing to welcome in the Shabbos bride (or, more truthfully, whatever bint the evening’s activities might throw up), I received an e-mail from a melchett mike operative working in London NW11 under the code name “Whistle Blower”, containing the photograph below.

The e-mail, titled “A week before Rosh Hashono, noch!”, read as follows:

“What kind of man would spend ten minutes in the Corner Shop leafing through the newspapers, and then leave without buying one? Woe to the Sons of Jacob!”

The most humorous caption submitted by comment below will – and I am feeling extremely generous today – win its author half a Goldstar in the Tel Aviv drinking establishment of his/her choice, together with a free lifetime subscription to melchett mike. And I have it on good authority that, in this particular case, it would not negate one’s Selichot!

I have no idea who you are, “Whistle Blower”, but sterling work!

Wishing all readers of melchett mike a happy, healthy, peaceful, and thoroughly irreverent New Year.

melchett mike,
Rosh Hashanah 5771


43 responses to “Rosh Hashanah Caption Competition

  1. Will somebody please explain to me what I am supposed to see on that picture?

    I confess to spending quite often more than 10 minutes at my local vendor without buying anything but instead indulging to my heart’s delight in what are the goodies for my probably very womanly inclinations.

  2. ..and the second place will win a WHOLE Goldstar 🙂

  3. Half a litre, Moshe . . . don’t try to detract from my largesse! Anyway, I said best caption . . . not smart-arse comment. 😉

    Silke, it is a bit of an in-joke, so don’t worry about it too much.

  4. Baruch Hashem – the Dot Heads are drowning! I’ll rub one off to that!

  5. “I see Vayne Rooney has been schluffing vith prostitutes again. Oy Vey, vot vill Posh say”?

  6. Should of course read “Colleen”.

  7. surely not necessary

    thinking surely this cant be true (to headline that fashions coming to NW London)

  8. Russ L. Ghard-Innes

    “What’s all this……..Dome Headed Deputy Leader Shared Hotel Room with Male Aide………Oy, Labbi Loberg, Loshon Holla, not trrrue……..must have been on a walking tour………”

  9. The pictures… the pictures… I must – not – look at the pictures.

  10. Nothing like the friday edition of ‘Charedi Wives’ to get the loins stirring!

  11. One of the other operatives working for ‘melchett mike’ could see the ‘forbidden’ & concealed magazines hidden between those newspapers ….

  12. “Pakistan floods? 1,600 geryim dead and 20 million affected? There’s obviously no real news today . . .”

  13. More huge missiles entering Jordan via the back door?

  14. Does The Sun newspaper have a Page 3 today?

  15. saul schneider

    If only I could reach the top shelf I could read something interesting!

  16. “A plague on President Abbas and the entire Palestinian people? Very in-ter-es-ting . . . That Ovadia Yosef is perfect for Holders Hill Road!”

  17. “Miracle: C**t reads paper”

  18. The boy who posted that (disgraceful) last caption has not yet sponsored my bike rides for Norwood. Seeing that he wishes to remain anonymous, I suggest that he pays a sharpish visit to

  19. Charles Alexander

    I thought it was only the Teachers XI that cheated at cricket. We earned more from those Voluntary Compulsory fee’s anyway.

  20. David Rosenberg

    Whilst I can clearly hear and feel the air of discontent regarding our pictured reader, perhaps 2 days before Rosh Hashonoh, at the time of the season of goodwill and forgiveness, now is not the time to be dishing out the “losh”. Shana Tova to all

  21. “Former teacher jailed for 21 years for abusing boys 30 years ago.”

    A broch! I’d better tell the others . . .

  22. I hear you, David, but would like to point out the following (from a personal, rather than halachic, perspective) . . .

    1. This is intended in good humour.

    2. The behaviour of said teacher never – as far as I can recall – was.

    3. He had dozens of Rosh Hashonahs for self-reflection vis-a-vis his behaviour towards us, but clearly never took advantage of even one of them.

    So, you will forgive me for not “beating myself up” too much over it.


  23. David Rosenberg

    he taught me too, tho it obviously didnt leave the same lasting impression on me …. but ya never know, maybe he will give a “heartbeat ” for you this year.

  24. (in a thought bubble) “I’m sure some ex Hasmo cunt is trying to get a picture of me looking at porn again. I wonder if this Blockbuster bag hides my stiffy. I’ll just hide it with this copy of The Times and pretend he’s not there…”

  25. “When will Bill Kenwright give my man Moyes some money for players?”

  26. Thanks for that, Pauly.

    Sadly, the pictured knows nothing about Moyes . . . only about Goys.

    But we are not all like that! 😉

  27. Oy vey, page 2 and 3 are stuck together?!

    What do I win?

  28. A Man Utd. top, Seitler!

  29. Heres my go:
    “The Times Grabs Rabbi’s Attention Long Enough For Talmudic Paparazzi To Snap Photo Published In Blog Still Not Sure How To Make Fun Of It But Published It Anyway”

    Send the NIS equivalent of my beer to Just Giving.
    Merry Xmas and Happy New Year

  30. Russ L. Ghard-Innes

    Well well Mike….do I presume that Haguey gets me a chatzi pint of best camelpish then?

  31. “perhaps 2 days before Rosh Hashonoh, at the time of the season of goodwill and forgiveness, now is not the time to be dishing out the “losh”” (David Rosenberg)

    This is precisely why now is a great time to do this. Get it all in now, in a couple of days I’ll throw the avairos to the fish. Sweet!

    In that spirit let me try one more crude caption…

    “Man in funny hat arrested after publically jerking into plastic bag while staring at newspaper picture of young boy in undershirt.”

  32. Anonymous’s effort was also quite clever, Mr. Ghard-Innes. Will have to ponder it over tashlich.

    One more from me . . .

    “Madonna and . . . and . . . and . . . Schimmel?!? Kabollocks!! Surely the zoyna knows that the Jacobsons are Goylders Green’s master race?!?”

  33. News of the World (Headline):’Jordan Goes For Fifty Per Cent Reduction’ — ”Never would have happened in that Cypriot Goy’s Day”. By the way, Michael, I recall a forerunner to ”Melchett Mike’s Mossad Operative in badly fitting tennis kit”, however this one could be seen proudly strutting around Hendon in an ill-fitting Maccaabi Sunday League referees number most Sundays, around lunchtime. The winning entry will receive a thimble-full of ‘Skol’ lager, courtesy of ‘Melchett Mike’.

  34. On the Stats page of this blog (which only I can access), there is a Search Engine Terms section, showing the search words/terms surfers have entered to end up – often inadvertently – at melchett mike. These are, on occasion, amusing, and, on others, rather disturbing . . .

    Today, I have received 4 hits from a search for “sadistic nipple pain” . . . though I doubt the perv(/s) had in mind a “Rosh Hashanah Caption Competition” featuring a photo of a sadistic Jewish nipple pain! 😉

  35. Mike,
    Is this caption competition really intended in good humour? If it is then it’s definitely not clean humour. Some of the lewd remarks here seem pretty malicious if not slanderous.

  36. Dovid, see this comment above.

    Indeed, decades of ex-Hasmos would – in this particular case, I believe – argue Justification and/or Fair Comment . . .

  37. If the guy in the photo is who i think it is, he is and has for a long time been a teacher at hasmo, who we all love and respect a lot. Dr (Rabbi) Jacobson, who has been a chemistry teacher, deputy head of the school and a JS teacher in his time and is still teaching in Beis!

  38. Dr (Rabbi) Jacobson? DJ? Is that who it is?!

    Thank you, Uzi, for clearing that one up for us.

  39. Crap, I got the wrong guy! I rescind my comments.

  40. Surely “Rabbi Dr” (not Dr Rabbi) – in similar vein to the chosen title of HaRav Lord Jakobovits zt”l following his elevation to the House of Lords?

    Not that the numerous distinguished parallels end there of course.

    But that detail aside, we are all indeed indebted to Uzi for resolving the mystery ID of this leading individual for us.


  41. Dan Gins – who gave YOU the right to indebt us all?

  42. AliG, don’t tell me you hadn’t assumed it was Mrs Bannister in the picture, just like I had. So we ALL owe Uzi the same debt of gratitude.

  43. Ok, OK…

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