Bitch, her 4×4, and other irritants

There is this woman in the neighbourhood – for argument’s (and accuracy’s) sake, let’s call her “Bitch” – who, every morning, parks her 4×4 on the pedestrian crossing next to the kiosk (‘our’ café on Rothschild).

Bitch is in her mid-thirties, has a body to die for (and knows it), and couldn’t care less how many old folk, mothers and babies, schoolchildren, or people like me, walking their dogs, can’t safely negotiate the road while she sips on her hafuch (latte).

And ever since, a couple of months ago, Bitch hooted me from behind – essentially, for having the temerity to be on the same road as her – I have fantasized about rubbing something long and hard against that body while she sleeps. A key.

Hallelujah!

Size and status are everything to these terrorists of the road. And, whilst I am loath to agree with anything that emanates from the poisonous gob of Ken Livingstone, the very fact of owning a “Chelsea Tractor” tells us everything that we need to know about that person, making him or her fully deserving of our unbridled contempt.

Strolling home with Stuey and Dexxy, the other morning, after suffering Bitch at the kiosk, I thought about all those folk who I allow to aggravate me these days (and shouldn’t). Even excluding matters religious or political, against the law (for example, littering), or out of people’s control (most unfortunately, being French), I still managed – on the short walk back to Melchett – to come up with the following list . . .

1.  Tel Aviv cyclists: Both the menaces who harass you with their poxy bells – I swear that, some day soon, a surgeon at Ichilov is going to have his oddest retrieval yet from an Israeli rectum – and those on their ridiculously expensive bikes, in equally ridiculous designer cycling gear, for the 10 km round trip to Holon.

2.  Anyone – not using the site for commercial or publicity purposes – with more than 400 (ballpark) “friends” on facebook. To be deeply distrusted.

3.  Males, essentially new immigrants with tiny todgers, who post photos of themselves in IDF uniform – and holding their only weapon of any potency – to facebook. Tossers.

4.  Females who market themselves on Internet dating sites in their bikinis . . . and who then moan that all men ever seem to want is to get their “kit” off.

5.  Israeli women – again, often provocatively clad – who talk inconsiderately loudly in cafés as a result of feeling deprived of attention to anything that might be going on above their shoulders. Shut the f*ck up.

6.  Wannabe actors and, especially, actresses who are in complete denial of what everyone knows: that they are talentless f*ckwits. Tel Aviv is crawling with them. They shamelessly post videos of themselves on facebook in performances that they could only persuade their grandmothers to attend (and, then, only until the interval). There are also those attention-seekers who film nothing very much on Tel Aviv’s streets and boulevards in the hope that passers-by will think that they are actually doing something with their lives. We won’t. Get a job.

7.  Overuse of vacuous expressions such as “sound” (as in cool), or – in Hebrew, and I won’t bother translating . . . there is no point – “ke’eeloo,” “walla” and, most infuriating of all, “sababa.” F*ck off. You are not a student anymore.

8.  Anyone who smokes a cigar with a diameter of more than half an inch outside of a cigar lounge. A middle-aged guy walked past the kiosk with one, last Saturday morning. It was so thick, we thought it would split the webbing of the fingers it was wedged between. He was wearing a look of “See, I’ve made it.” We were saying “Look, what a prick.”

9.  Wearing cowboy boots without actually being a cowboy. Dexxy chewed the trouser leg of one such pillock at the kiosk, last year. It is amazing what dogs know.

10.  Non-Arabs who wear the keffiyeh (okay, that one is a little political . . . then again, they are twats).

11.  Anyone who listens to Coldplay outside of an elevator or a supermarket.

"Anyone know the way to Old Trafford?"

12.  “Glory boy” supporters of Manchester United, Chelsea and, now, Manchester City, who have never visited their team’s home ground . . . or, at least, never did when they were shit (City still are) and poor. These ‘fans’ deny their former lack of interest in football – pre-1993, 2005 and 2008, respectively – with a dishonesty that would make David Irving blush.

And the message of all of this? Don’t be an intolerant, grumpy old sod? Get a life? God knows. Perhaps there isn’t one, and I just wrote it to vent my spleen . . . though it would be interesting to hear (via comments below) what – otherwise legal – behaviours cause readers of melchett mike to spit out their dummies.

[I am off to Kenya for a charity bike ride – it is not too late to sponsor me (many thanks, once again, to all of you who already have) – and, should you experience (understandable) withdrawal symptoms in my absence, I can heartily recommend the following websites to occupy yourselves until my return: boys/girls. To whet your appetites, there is a new sub-series of Hasmo Legends in the melchett mike “oven”, which I guarantee will offer a unique insight into the madhouse.]


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21 responses to “Bitch, her 4×4, and other irritants

  1. People who use the word “zechus” (I won’t mention any names but one recent poster whose name begins and ends with G). Sounds like the user of this unnecessary term has a pube stuck in their throat. Spit it out and shut up.

  2. Nice one, Ali (though it may fall foul of my exclusion of all things religious). What about “mamish”?

  3. Richard Millett

    When your footy team is 4-1, poised to go second, loses 6-4 and ends up flirting with relegation instead.

  4. People answering/making calls or SMSs during business meetings, at social gatherings etc. My doctor even answers her phone during appointments.

  5. Jeremy Lange

    Meri, I like even better those people who answer their mobile phones during business meeting just to give me a guilt trip that I had the audacity to disturb them during their very important meeting

  6. loved your options for sites to occupy ourselves with while you’re gone – so considerate! happy riding – hope you’ve got a well padded bike seat!

  7. You realize of course, Mike, that the “bitch” is a former “talented actress” married to the “cigar man”!…And most certainly they deserve one another ;-)…and you should learn to ignore these irritants or move away…I don’t really see things changing soon…UNFORTUNATELY 4us!

  8. Mike,
    I actually love the word “mamish”. It is a close second behind “farkakteh” and “farshtoonkeneh” which are tied for 1st place IMHO. I often find myself trying to find a way to fit it in to a random sentence. “If I ever meet Bitch I will mamish rear-end her with my Mini”.

  9. I wouldn’t leave out Israelis who have to have at least one English word in every sentence – “Once” has for a time been elevated to the status of a member of the holy tongue & misuse of the word “minded” is a must for any yuppie businessman/advisor here.
    Also, people who mass-send awful powerpoint presentations with stupid simplistic self-help messages, drawn over 15 slides with bad graphics of rivers, cats on pink backgrounds and annoying music.
    Last but not least – people who work for you who everytime you walk in their office they click quickly on their mouse to hide the website (Melchittmike?) they are reading at work.

  10. Those of my fellow Israelis who have to know how much everything cost.

    New immigrants who insert easily translatable Hebrew words into their English.

    Those who talk to their children in English for “educational reasons”, interestingly, also to their pets.

    Those who tut when they hear bad news on the radio.

    Those who repeat your punch line seconds after you finish a joke.

    Electricians and plumbers who ask you if you have basic tools.

    Computer technicians who tell you off.

    Dental Hygienists who tell you off.

    Car mechanics who quote prices without VAT.

    Acquaintances who, when you ask them how they are, think you really want to know.

    People who forward you jokes in Hebrew that you read 40 years ago in English.

    People who call me Rabbi Marks.

    Someone who says, “ye, ye, ye..” when I’m still in mid-sentence.

    People who bore you with holiday stories that begin with the seemingly innocent, “Have you ever been to..?”

    People who tell me I’ve put on weight.

    Women who want you to guess their age.

    People who laugh at their own jokes.

    Kids’ friends who sit in my chair.

    Modern Ultra-Orthodox (Hardal) Jews smile when there’s nothing to smile about.

  11. my wife’s mother.
    my wife’s brother.
    twats.

  12. Men who kiss their hand after shaking yours.
    Men who touch your knee while talking to you.
    Men who make up imaginary nick-names for you, “Dan, Danny etc”
    Men who are generous at pouring other people’s whisky.
    Oriental Jews who bring a bottle of Arak to synagogue and then proceed to guzzle down drink your single-malt.
    People who stand up on the plane as soon as it lands.
    Philosophical insurance brokers who explain to you that your health is more important than money.
    Secular Jews who go to religious ceremonies without a skullcap and put their hands on their heads.
    Religious Jews who go to places with “immodestly dressed women” and then tut on seeing them.
    Parents who lie to their children and threaten to leave them behind if they won’t come.
    Hitch-hikers who talk on cellular phones.
    Large breasted immodestly dressed students, especially the men.
    Native Israelis who talk to me with a fake American accent.
    Native Americans who talk to me with a fake “British” accent.
    Native Englishmen who talk to me with a fake Israeli accent.
    Frenchmen who talk to me in a French (or any other) accent.
    Yossi Sa-Nes

  13. Wolf RABSTEIN

    Hi Mike,

    Please post a full body photo of “Bitch with a body to die for in a 4×4.”

    I’d like to decide for myself if her body really is to die for (in the interests of accurate reporting).

    keep up the GREAT blog.

    Wolf Rabstein

  14. philip lehrer

    Hey Wolfie,
    How’s tricks? You still training or have you gone to seed? If not and you live in Israel (????), come and join the club I hope to be setting up there next year, BUT, don’t kill me by accident.
    Cheers to you and to you Mike. Watch out for the lions.

  15. Daniel Turnip

    People who hate so many things they need two postings.

  16. people who when waiting for the elevator press the up AND down button even when they are not flexible to travelling in either direction

  17. Wolf, when I return to Eretz Yisroel in a couple of weeks time, I will attempt to take a secret, pervy pic of Bitch for you . . . as long, that is, as you promise not to use it for indecent acts . . . I know you ex-Hasmos!

  18. Shoppers who leave their trolleys at the checkout and then proceed to do their shopping.

    The above shoppers who look at you as if you’re the scum because you’ve moved their trolley out of the queue while they were away.

    Waiters who tell you what you can and can’t order in a restaurant because it doesn’t go with something else you’ve ordered.

    People who slow you down while you’re driving so you think there’s something wrong with your car in the middle of the night, only to ask you how much your car cost. That was a special night.

  19. Thanks for that, RH.

    Trolley-leaving is virtually de rigeur in these parts. On Thursday afternoon, in the Or Akiva Supersol, I gave serious thought to removing the trolley of a woman who must have left and returned to the queue at least half a dozen times (I bottled it, of course!)

    Re your waiters point, it reminds me of the time – in Uni holidays – when I did deliveries for Marcus, of kosher Chinese ‘fame.’ On one occasion, this guy came in and made a very large order. At the end of it, he asked for soy sauce. Marcus informed him that what he had ordered didn’t go with soy sauce. The customer, however, said that he still wanted it. Marcus (being Marcus!), however, wasn’t having any, repeating his assertion that it didn’t go. The two almost came to blows, until the gentleman walked out . . . needless to say, without waiting for his order!

    I am also now reminded of a major irritation that I should have included in my original post above: people who reserve parking spaces by standing in them (see Parking Shields: Careers for UK Graduates in Tel Aviv).

    There is also a “monkey” on Melchett who, whenever two consecutive spaces free up, parks one of his cars in the middle of them . . . to save/guarantee a space for his other one. Bastad!

  20. I once pushed my way into a parking place reserved by a human shield. I didn’t get the logic of people saving places for friends – seemed a bit schoolboyish. Anyway, don’t suggest trying this again…

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