Hasmo Legends XXVII: Liselle Bailey – The Revenge of the Willy

Other than a good ogle of Page 3 girl Jo Guest as she leant over the pool table in Golders Green’s seedy hangout, The G-Spot, one mid-90s (decade and approximate temperature in my Jockeys) Saturday night, I had never even got close to anyone in the adult entertainment industry. And certainly no one who had also taught at Hasmonean High School for Boys.

So, while some may have frittered recent years Looking for Eric (for once, not Elbaz) or Searching for Sugar Man, I have spent them hot on the tail of Liselle Bailey, the supply teacher who, on days that she wasn’t teaching English on Holders Hill Road, was shooting porn films.

Or so I had been reliably tipped-off. And what could be more reliable than a couple of frum, middle-aged accountants? (Though the recollection of one of them sweating so profusely, and pathetically, into his chicken soup when I informed him that they would be named in this piece precludes (even) me from outing them.)

But all of this, I told myself, was pure fantasy. The only pawn at Holders Hill Road in our day was in the Chess Club, the only knocking-out considered (aside, naturally, from the spawn of DJ) was of frummy prefects, and the only stiff little things to be shunned were the arthritic ones in the headmaster’s handshake.

To my surprise and delight, however, my contact high up in the school, rather than erect the wall of silence I had expected, at once confirmed that this would be no wild skirt chase . . .

“Miss Bailey was actually a supply teacher for a short time at the school – she was a very good teacher. She was doing some work in movies, but it was production not performing.”

So that’s alright then . . . only porn production!

That was all he could (or, at least, would) give me. But I didn’t have long to wait for a little more meat, with another inside sauce sending me a link to a London Evening Standard piece titled “English teacher packs in job for porn films” (full article), prefaced by the momentous words “I think this is her . . .”

Who now gave a toss about the hairy terrorist in Pakistan, that Saudi Rabbi Angel? I was on Miss Bailey’s scent – I was sure it smelt a great deal sweeter – and was going to make it my job to meet and grill her. After all, how many other ex-Hasmos would have been willing to take on such an altruistic task?

I was still, however, beset by doubt. Even if I succeeded in locating Miss Bailey, wouldn’t she be too proud to confirm the shameful truth . . . that she actually taught at Hasmonean High School for Boys?!

That was back in 2011. My quest took three long years, and was close to breaking me. When I made initial contact with Miss Bailey, she simply could not fathom my interest (can any non-ex-Hasmos comprehend the place’s endless fascination to us?) Indeed, until I actually spotted Liselle – as lovely in the flesh as she had sounded throughout our prolonged e-correspondence – walking towards me outside Hertford East train station that weekend lunchtime, I was certain that she would pull out or blow me off before I had even had a chance of bashing this out.

Liselle led me to a local gastropub and, over beers, started to relate how she had ended up in teaching, porn, and, for Spring Term 2009, the hallowed halls of Holders Hill Road . . .

Born in west London, Liselle qualified as an English and drama teacher, and, for four years, was head of drama at a “scary” Christian private school in Sunderland. After moving back to London and working in children’s television, she eventually decided to pursue a career in the porn film industry. “I felt it was a job with a purpose,” Liselle told me. “Most people like porn, and I wanted to make good porn rather than the rubbish that’s out there.”

“I grew up in a very conservative home,” Liselle, 34, continued. “My mum didn’t even know what a blowjob was. ‘Why would anyone want to do that,’ she would ask. But I had always been completely fascinated by porn, and liked watching it from a very young age.”

Liselle Bailey

“When I was at Hasmonean,” Liselle confessed, “I was actually working three days a week there and the other two in the porn business, before I became full-time.” And she was somewhat taken aback by her first exposure to Orthodox Jewish teens. “I had never met a bunch of more hormonal boys! They were extremely blatant and flirtatious. I wasn’t used to it in such an in-your-face way. The GCSE boys would crowd around me, asking for my phone number and things like ‘Have you ever kissed a girl?’ It was quite intimidating. And I couldn’t get past that initial hormonal thing. Perhaps I wasn’t best at keeping boundaries. I was a bit too friendly, too much myself.”

Had Liselle ever stopped to consider, I wondered, the untold millions of sticky issurim she had caused so many nice Jewish boys to be oyver (though I didn’t phrase the question in those terms)? “I feel flattered if I did,” came the instant reply. “I see that particular thing . . . er, sinning . . . as a good and healthy thing, not a bad thing. In fact, it is quite a bloody magical thing!”

And I couldn’t argue with that. If Liselle Bailey had been teaching at Hasmo in our day, I would have suffered repetitive strain injury two whole decades before getting anywhere near my first laptop. And she certainly would have provided welcome relief from the tired Readers’ Wives (no connection, incidentally, Bridge Lane readers, with your very own Congregants’ Wives).

I did try to get Liselle to dig some dirt on DJ, but she had no recollection of the benippled one, and – pornographers clearly possessing more scruples than journalist-lawyers – I couldn’t persuade her to make any up. “The only rabbi I remember was the head, a massive guy, who was very nice. He wanted me to stay and take a permanent role. I was really touched, but also troubled about him thinking, later on, that I had tricked him.”

Liselle Bailey

The only folk at Hasmonean who knew anything about Liselle’s double life were her colleagues in the English department. “It came out in the pub after school, and they were all very cool about it. I anyway planned to leave Hasmo at Easter, because of articles I knew were going to be published about me in The Sun and Sport.”

Long after leaving Holders Hill Road, Liselle had to remove “inappropriate” comments by Hasmo boys from YouTube and Twitter. “I have ex-students I’m still very friendly with from the school in Sunderland, but the Hasmo boys were just so flirty . . . or worse!”

As for my own ex-Hasmo hormones, I controlled them until we had finished lunch. “What is it like directing porn films,” I asked. “Some days,” explained Liselle – who now works full-time for Kaizen XXX – “you can just forget what you’re doing. It’s ten in the morning, you’re thinking of very logistical things, you walk into a room and there’s a guy with his c*** in his hand [warming up, I imagined]. It takes you by surprise! But it’s like any other production job, only we film a couple of people having sex for about an hour of the seven hour day!”

On a roll, I then asked Liselle – I figured the accountants would want to know – whether she ever appears on the other side of the camera. “I’m a voyeur not an exhibitionist,” she answered, “though I have had flings with quite a few of the actors privately.”

Liselle Bailey

And with that titillating thought firmly in mind (it still is), and before my Yetzer HaTov had a chance to make a fool of me, I headed off to Heathrow. Liselle had been a delight. An English rose with a penchant for porn. Yum.

Perusing the biography of Hasmonean founder Solomon Schonfeld (by ex-Hasmo dad Derek Taylor) soon after meeting Liselle, the Rabbi Dr’s struggle with his more enlightened, worldly headmaster, W.W. (“Willy”) Stanton, to have Lady Chatterley’s Lover – already deemed fit for publication by the English courts – removed from the school library appeared even more pointless than it must have at the (early 70s) time . . .

“Stanton defended the literary merit of the book. Schonfeld told him in front of the governors that either the book had to go within twenty-four hours or the Headmaster would. The phrasing was exceptionally and quite unnecessarily rude . . . Schonfeld always got his way because the governors were mostly handpicked supporters.”

And it was delicious to imagine Mr. Stanton, as he looked down on Miss Bailey causing her charges to stand to attention in his former classrooms, allow himself a wry, even cheeky, smile . . .

What poetic justice! A triumph for Willy in every sense.

With Liselle Bailey

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28 responses to “Hasmo Legends XXVII: Liselle Bailey – The Revenge of the Willy

  1. Mike Greene

    What a delightful story . And to think the hottest teacher in the 1970’s was Helen Krollick. Hasmonean has indeed improved 🙂

  2. Avraham Reiss

    I was at Hasmo when Lady C was published (early ‘sixties) and don’t remember neither any talk of putting Lady C in the school libray, nor of any disagreements on the subject between Stanton and Schonfeld (both, z”l).

    But Mike, you apparently missed the irony of the relevance of Stanton’s nickname to this post …

    Avraham Reiss

  3. “I wanted to make good porn rather than the rubbish that’s out there.” So Mike, from your experience, is her porn really better than the other rubbish out there?

  4. tasty !!!

  5. tasty!!!

  6. Shuli – are you answering her mother’s question?

  7. Once would have sufficed, Shuli . . . though I appreciate your excitement.

  8. Philip Witriol

    You display remarkable restraint in the tags chosen for this marvelous post.

  9. John Fisher

    If this is Hasmo Legend XXVII, one can only salivate over the prospects for Hasmo Legend XXX.

  10. Jonathan Cohen

    She sounds like a proper legend!!

    Speak soon matey.

    Joff

  11. Quite a coup Mike – I bet that was a hard day at the office for you!

    However, I may be biased, but I don’t think a few months supply teaching can qualify as a Hasmo legend whatever extra-curricular activities were indulged in. I mean presumably you’re aware that Thomas Dolby was in our Physics department for a brief spell before getting his first record deal?

  12. Danny Landau

    As Philip says, you have shown remarkable restraint. It must have been tempting to mention French orals, etc. Please forward this blog on to Osher Baddiel, and ask for his comments !

  13. Mike, I do not know how you could just walk away from that very pretty lady. Surely she could be interested in a nice Jewish lawyer? I am impressed with your tracking qualities.

  14. Teaching at Hasmo for however long, while at the same time making porn films, makes Liselle one of the great Legends! No, Max, it is not length that counts.

    Moreover, knowing his Diaries as I do, I feel certain that your father z”l would have enjoyed having Liselle – even not knowing what she did on her days ‘off’ – on his side of the Staff Room. That being the case, he would no doubt be delighted to have her join the exclusive club. (Let us not forget, too, that even Osher Baddiel is a Legend.)

    As for Thomas Dolby, no, I was not aware. You sure?

  15. Nice MILF!!! If she taught at Hasmo does that make her Jewish in the marriage sense?

  16. Except that she is not a mother, Paul . . .

  17. ILF

  18. Alas no TILFs during my time. In fact, one good friend of mine with whom I also went to university, and who now lives in the US, used to whisper the infamous words “Mrs Toledano” whenever he had a Tiyuvta…

    Even worse than Mrs T was an economics teacher called Mrs Murphy. Not only was she an utterly useless teacher (even by then-Hasmo standards) but she used to wear no bra, which was unfortunate given gravity had taken its course decades before.

  19. So nu, did you arrange an alumni discount?

  20. This is the first thing that’s ever sounded better about Hasmonean than Carmel – apart from sleeping at home and not having to use communal showers and a bunch of other crap like being away from home and sharing ones’s life with three hundred other young Portnoys). Although we did have our lovely matron in the Junior School – Nurse Williams – but so far as I know she only did the day job – oh, and the PT teacher…

  21. Ze'ev Portner

    Mike Brilliant and real scoop. Now you need to get another scoop with that great man and my personal hero. The one and only Alan Walters . Another Hasmo legend.

  22. Your admiration for Al, Ze’ev, as genuine as your love of the Hornets, is touching indeed. And I must admit that, along with Ivan Marks, Walters would be top of my list for next Legend interview . . . so, I’m offering no less than sexual services for sound information as to the whereabouts of the “Big” man!

  23. Mike, one of your best. I am trying to analyse (using skills taught by my english teacher Mr. Benjamin – NOT a porn star) your sentence using the words “Rabbi, (re)member, head, massive, touched”. No wonder he asked her to stay….

  24. Michael Aminzadeh

    Ahalan ahalan mike neshama! Ma nishma?

    Hilairius post! I wish liselle had taught our d group english! And looks like you were playing a little pocket billiards in that last photo!

    I will not ask the rabbi in hendon sinagogue tomorrow if he has read this one! We sefardim have to keep a low profile there. Very nice man though. And very modern. He even counts us in the minyan. Baruch hashem.

    Please come round for a le’haim next time you are in hendon. Charlotte wants to meet you. Wykeham road. But brampton end. Baruch hashem.

    Shabat shalom habibi!

    Michael

  25. Anthony Mammon

    yup, all we had was Mrs Krollic, although I do remember having a female French teacher at Hasmo Prep. for a short while. I somehow remember Paul Kreditor asking her what the French word was for balloons, It’s about all I remember from French lessons. Does anyone remember her?

  26. Helen Krollic theres a name – did she marry Charlie Heller the science teacher

  27. The Hasmonean Dinner Film 2015 (title conceived, no doubt, by one of the ‘new’ school’s brilliant young English Language students) . . .

    https://vimeo.com/129111401

    “Moral compass,” my arse! Bastards are trying to rip the heart out of our school! But they won’t succeed, I tell you!

    And I remind the lot of ’em that a porn director was teaching at Holders Hill Road less than a Yovel ago . . . now, that’s the Hasmonean we know and love!

    [An invitation to Hasmo boys, recent past or anonymous present, who can write and wish to submit an account of today’s school – is it everything the designer videos make it out to be? – you can pen Hasmo Legends XXVIII! Contact me if you are interested, or know of an individual with the ability to do such a noble task credit.]

  28. John Fisher

    Amazing video. I wish I had gone to Hasmonean.

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